LUKY
WHY, I SOMETIMES WONDER, ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE UNABLE TO RETURN LOVE WHICH IS OFFERED TO THEM IN A HUMBLE SPIRIT?
When I was a teenager, I was a great one for having crushes on young men.
At one stage I was in love with six boys at the same time, and it is funny to remember now that they all looked, behaved and spoke like each other.
I would worship them silently from afar, and have long imaginary conversations with them, in which I was invariably witty and cynical and would have them rolling with laughter in the aisles.
When I happened to come face to face with them, however, my mouth would go dry and my tongue curl up and, try as I might, I could seldom hold their interest.
Lost interest
Yet there were boys who liked me and on whom I had almost that effect - notably ones I never tried to impress - but the funny thing was that as soon as I discovered a boy liked me, I automatically lost my interest in him.
It took me years to discover that this was a sign of immaturity.
On analysis it showed that I had nothing but contempt for myself.
In effect I was thinking: "If he can fancy himself in love with someone as silly as me, he can't have much between the ears."
By spurning, and perhaps even hurting him, I was only revealing my own inadequacy and lack of self-confidence.
If life hadn't dealt me a few blows where they hurt most, I might never have grown out of that state of mind.
Appreciate the attainable
I know adults who have inflicted much pain on others because they never learnt to appreciate the attainable.
These are the girls who try to look thirty when they're twenty, and eighteen when they're forty; who dress like men, yet long to be treated as ladies; who yearn for the mature status of motherhood, but once they've attained this try to be sisters to their children, rather than mothers whom their offspring can respect.
The immaturity of men reveals itself in a different way.
Why is it there are so many men who, having wooed their wives with great intensity and won them, tire of them after a time and neglect them and their children - perhaps at the very time when the springtide of their married life is about to flower into the beauty of summer?
A woman may have lost her figure and the bloom of her skin, but the wedding vows remain valid.
Anyway, if you happen to have a servant or staff member who needs their job desperately, don't treat them with contempt.
If there is a man or woman who loves you to distraction and you find yourself unable to return his or her affection, be gentle and kind, because you'd find yourself feeling surprisingly lost if this affection turned to dislike - and love is notoriously akin to hatred.
Finally, if you should happen to prefer the glamorous charms of a colleague to the ones your wife lost in service to you and your children, change your job - or reflect on these words of the poet Thomas Moore written, I believe, when his beautiful wife lost her looks in the wake of an attack of smallpox:
It is not while beauty and
youth are thine own
And thy cheeks unprofaned by a
tear
That the fervour and faith of a
heart can be known
To which time shall but make thee
more dear.
No, the heart that has truly loved
never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close
As the sunflower turns on her god
when he sets
That same look which she turned when he rose.
Catherine Nicolette
Faithfulness. Such an easy word to say, such a hard word to live.
I was deeply blessed to have the examples of my parents, aunts and uncles, grandfathers and grandmothers as the norm in my life when I grew up.
The sun rose; the sun set. But one word which was never ever mentioned was 'divorce'.
Thus, I never had any doubts when I set out to school at the beginning of the day whether I would be returning to the same loving family - undivided - at night.
Exchange of views
I got used to the many arguments which somewhat ruffled the serenity of our extended families from time to time.
I also realise that today I always bounce back after an exchange of views with a sunny spirit of reconciliation, not always fully reciprocated.
I put this tendency down to the fact that in our family disagreements were not to be feared
With diverse strong personalities, differing opinions will flourish.
After clearing the air, all got down to the business at hand; my parents, aunts and uncles and grands to growing their marriages, we to flourishing in the secure climate.
The one thing my parents always encouraged, however, was 'Not to let the sun go down on your anger'. [Ephesians' 4;26].
At the end of the day we had to make friends with whatever sibling or friend we had quarrelled with.
Mom always emphasized that if we married one day, the best way to keep a marriage healthy was to talk out problems by the end of every day, and to never carry a grudge.
Sound advice indeed.
Mistakes
As I grow older, I am at times saddened as I see 'one strike and you're out' trends at times occurring. Perfection is being expected in relationships, at work, in traffic and in life.
The true reality is that we all - with the best intentions in the world - make mistakes at times.
And forgiveness can lead to the nurturing of faithfulness in all relationships in life.
Perhaps there is someone with whom you have fallen out with. Why not try to effect a reconciliation?
If the other does not wish to reconcile, well then you have the peaceful mind and heart that you have extended the olive branch.
More than that you cannot do.
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