Catherine Nicolette;
Restraint in speech
As a child, I was taught the practice of restraint in speech. Controlling one's tongue, and discerning one's speech, were considered sensible things to do.
In Sub A, one of the first maxims our nun-teacher taught our class was "count to ten before you speak." My mom said, "Be careful what you say. You can hurt others." Dad advocated prudence and discretion in speech and the writing of letters.
Self-control
The priests preached about the power of self control in speech. One priest who gave us a class lecture explained it this way; if you pass on gossip, especially if it is untrue, and repent afterwards, you can go to confession to confess your venial sin. However, it is like opening a cushion of down feathers and shaking the feathers to the four winds. Gossip spreads like feathers over the country. You can confess your sin, and be absolved. But you cannot hope to gather all the feathers of gossip your tongue gave rise to, once more back into the pillow.
So, concluded Father, don't pass on gossip. He went on to say that St James considered the tongue to be a fire, able to bring about unrighteousness (James 3:5) Father highlighted that the tongue has potential to cause significant impact, much like a spark can ignite a fire. Words have power to influence for good or bad.
My little six-year-old self was mightily impressed. I did not like the idea of feather-nastiness fouling my chances of attaining heaven. I knew what I needed to do: it behoved me to keep guard over what I said.
Say nothing, and keep on saying it
Holding one's tongue is not a lost art, in today's world. It simply means - in the immortal words of a nurse to me many years ago - the ability to say nothing, and to keep on saying it. Holding one's tongue is the ability not to respond when someone says something unpleasant, and instead practice restraint.
Conflict resolution
In all fairness, sometimes we do need to confront and resolve uncomfortable conflict. In such case, the situation should be handled with discretion and prudence.
It is certainly helpful to master the art of knowing what to say, how to say it and when to say it. This practice helps immeasurably in daily life because it develops sangfroid (the ability to stop and think), good judgement (the decision to decide if it is worth engaging; in other words, to pick your battles) and discretion (to choose silence while keeping situational information in mind for future reference if appropriate).
Recall of harsh words
My heart freezes when I witness someone letting all their emotions spill out publicly in the heat of the moment. It is awfully difficult to take back harsh words at a later date, even if they were not fully meant at the time. Bitter words, once uttered, are difficult to soften when the flash of anger is past. Speech and the word written in haste without due consideration, may come back to haunt.
Gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit
The Holy Spirit grants gifts and fruits through the sacrament of Confirmation. God's gifts include wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety and respect for the Lord. The fruits of the Spirit include charity (love), peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness and self-control.
As a result of practice of these gifts, prudence and kindliness are wont to flow. Prudence and kindliness are virtues which need to be practised by ourselves, and which woefully are not always easy to master. They may lead to responsible discretion, which may prove an emotional rock in the messy situations which life has an uncomfortable habit of regularly throwing before us.
Self-control
It is prudent practice to exercise self-control, and to think before speech. And then to speak only with kindness. I advocate this with confidence, as survivor of sundry failed attempts to control my tongue in earlier years. Believe me, the fall-out of hasty retorts are not worth the fleeting satisfaction of blurting out anger or chagrin unfiltered. It is also not worth later guilt felt at seeing the hurt dealt to another by hasty words - however unintentional the hurt may have been.
Measured speech
My hope and prayer is that we discern our words before utterance. Because if we cannot control our behaviour and emotions, who else can do this for us?
Image courtesy of ChatGPT and CN Whittle "Serene moment in rustic room"
