My youngest daughter said I was an existential nihilist. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that, neither - I suspected - did she. It seems to tie up with the fact that when she says; 'Mom, look at that beautiful house,' I shudder and reply, 'I pity the woman who has to keep it clean.' When we see a TV star with a beautiful figure eating chocolates, I say; 'Can you see she's not really biting? If she did she wouldn't keep that figure for long.' When she swoons over a hero I tell her, 'He has a prior conviction.' It is at times such as these that I heard those words again, 'Oh Ma, you're an existential nihilist. You always depress the heck out of me. Ten minutes of talking with you and I feel all the sparkle has gone out of my life.'
What a dreadful indictment. Am I such a spoilsport? Yet can I help it that my life has become so much more manageable since I recognise the pitfalls than it was when I still had stars in my eyes? 'I know how it feels to have wings on your heels and to fly down the street in a trance', Anna sang in The King and I. I too flew down that street on the chance that we'd meet and we also met, not really by chance. I'm very glad we did and I'm very glad we married. I'm glad we had those six kids and I'm still sad we lost that little one who would have made it seven.
I really looked forward to my son's wedding. I was so glad to be gaining a daughter who says to him. 'You go and sit with your mother. She'll talk some sense into you.' I looked forward to seeing all my other children on that day, including the one who, though barely hatched from the egg at that stage, had already informed me she was becoming officially engaged on her nineteenth birthday. And yet in the dark hours of the night I wake up and rise to pray for them all in my silent sitting room.
I pray that the mutual love that was expressed at that wedding on that Saturday continues to survive, that the future would continue to be a wonderful one to look forward to. Some people say one should have one's family when one is young. I've often suspected that my baby who was born when I was 36 had an easier innings than my eldest who arrived two months before my 21st birthday as I had become much more easygoing in the interim.
But at least that eldest child knew me when I still believed in life and fun and goodness. The little one got to know me only after life had kicked me around for some four decades. Maybe that's why I depress the heck out of her.
Catherine Nicolette;
Now that I'm in my fifties, I too realise that a certain amount of realism creeps into one's outlook as the senior years bring their blessing. I had the good fortune to be invited to play the organ and sing for my brother's wedding those years ago, and I well remember how honoured I felt to be asked. I also remember just how beautiful my brother's wife looked at her wedding. She was born in Florence, and wore a dress of Florentine lace and white cloudy gauze material which set off her exquisite black hair and radiant complexion. I was so proud that she was entering our family, and she added so much to my experience of life. Under her tutelage and incomparable hospitality I learned to drink coffee, eat lasagne, enjoy homemade pastas and Italian rolls, and drink a glass of red wine with a meal. I also learned to relax and enjoy a siesta - a small 'time out' and relaxation every day. My brother's wife taught me to slow down and enjoy life.
I also found out that being the eldest - learning to do with new clothes last after the youngest has been seen to first - and babysitting the others before doing my homework - became part of my outlook on life. Responsibility became the keyword of my earliest experiences, learned in my early years as the eldest of a large brood of very volatile and charismatic Whittle youngsters. Yet do you know what? I wouldn't have missed the experience for anything.
Those five Whittle brothers and sisters of mine were among the finest people I have ever met - and I have met many fine people...
*Photograph was taken by Rev. Catherine in South Africa. Please feel free to use copyright free for any educational or spiritual purpose
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